Tips to Stop Divorce / Tips to Save Marriage 

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What can we do in our marriage about the anger and defensiveness that is spinning out of control

 We have spun out of control and are about to divorce. What do I do now that our relationship has spun out of control and deteriorated to the point that there is just about nothing left between us?

From Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

I am so sorry this has happened to you. The terrible price you are paying must be extraordinarily difficult. Body, mind, soul, and spirit are being sucked dry at this point. Let me see if I can offer some reasonable advice.

1. Stop working on your marriage! This may sound like really odd advice at this point, but I have a really powerful point to make right here and you need to listen to this carefully.
You are probably trying so hard to create personal safety and security in your relationship with your partner that you are over controlling your partner and driving your partner crazy!
There is a point in a marriage when frustration has built to such a high level that each person is behaving desperately to either
• Avoid loneliness by dependently attaching to their partner
• Avoid control by pressing for more independence and freedom

Follow this a little further.
If you are afraid of further rejection and abandonment, afraid of loneliness, then you are likely trying to attach yourself to your partner. You may think you are being “attentive” but your partner may find your behavior to be very restrictive, clingy, and controlling. You are in effect saying, “Don’t leave me because I don’t think I can live without you.” That may be a good line in a country-western song, but few among us want to be controlled into a relationship with this sort of emotionally draining dependence.

If you are afraid of being controlled by your partner you are employing all sorts of distancing behaviors. You are in effect telling your partner to back off and to get a grip. “Stop calling me.” “Stop arguing with me.” “Stop trying to ‘help’ me.” Stop. Stop. Stop. You might be distancing yourself by having an affair, by working longer and later, by giving your partner the silent treatment, by displaying a lot of anger. In all cases you are distancing from what you perceive to be the unwanted restrictions that accompany closeness to your spouse. You don’t want to get close to your partner and you are staying away.

Take a break. If you keep at it your marriage will surely end. Stop the cyclical conflict and step back from each other. Call a truce. Admit that this isn’t working and that you need to make a radical shift.

2. Start working on yourself. This may sound odd, but just about any seasoned therapist would tell you that if your relationship is full of chaos and confusion it is time to separate and do some individual work. More on separation in a minute. For now, it is important that you focus on your own emotional stability. You have to “get it together” so that you can be more of a non-anxious presence in your relationship. You have to calm down and get a grip. I have a chapter on this very subject in my eBook, You Can Save Your Marriage. It is absolutely critical that you figure out how to “hold your own hand.”

If you are afraid of being alone in the world and so you are constantly trying to secure your relationship with your partner, then you better stop and figure out how to become more secure in the world. This is likely a matter of self-esteem. You are trying so hard to get your partner to validate you and commit to you that you are exuding profound insecurity. That isn’t very attractive.

If you are afraid of being controlled and loosing your freedom and independence, then you better stop and figure out how to become a more responsive and responsible person who is both independent, and a part of a community, even if that community is just the two of you.

3. Many therapists recommend separation at this point. I don’t. Separation, actual physical separation is a risky move. It can lead to denial and avoidance of the really tough issues that you have to face in order to become a more mature and responsible human being. Of course, if there is physical or emotional abuse, then that is another story. Leaving may be the best thing you can do for everyone. If you absolutely think you should separate, I would highly recommend a long weekend at a bed and breakfast. Seriously. A quiet time away where you are nurtured for awhile can absolutely rejuvenate you. If you can find a spiritual retreat center that will provide you respite, consider that. It gets complicated with kids, I know. Maybe you can find a relative or a friend who will take the kids for awhile. Be creative. You don’t have to necessarily get a 12 month lease on an apartment (unless, of course, you do).

4. Anger is what we do to take control of a situation. It might work, and it might not. We humans get angry when we think and feel like we are in trouble. Our anger is supposed to fend off the bad stuff, while mobilizing our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Remember the “fight, flight, or capitulate” response that we do under stress? Sure you do. Anger is the fight response. If you are angry you are trying to get control of your situation. That’s all. Same with your spouse.

Find a better way to get yourself under control, and encourage your partner to do the same.

Dr. Atwood

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Hopeful Solutions for Your Sexless Marriage is the BIG, 173 page eBook written by Dr. Atwood. The companion volume is You Can Save Your Marriage. You can find both, and more, at www.HopefulSolutions.net. Dr. Andrew D. Atwood, LMFT. 534 Fountain St. NE, Grand Rapids, MI 49503 - Voice 616.456.1178 - Email DrAtwood@HopefulSolutions.net. ©2002-2004 Save Your Marriage, PLC. All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: The material presented on these pages if for your information only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. It may not represent your true individual medical situation. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting a qualified health care provider in person. Please consult your health care provider in person if you have any questions or concerns. Always use common sense and research your own personal situation thoroughly.